我該如何和老婆溝通? - 婚姻
By Franklin
at 2011-12-12T00:01
at 2011-12-12T00:01
Table of Contents
謝謝各位回應,這篇會是最後一篇了。
很多網友都有提到去諮商,我今晚會傳簡訊和她講。
網友也都有提到"安慰"方式這部份,我很認同,
也是我文章標題所提到的"溝通",也是我最想了解的部份。
交往時其實不大有這類的情況,因為惹怒她的都不會是我家人,是她的同事、
朋友、上司,她覺得我能安慰她,我也不覺得有什麼問題。因為犯錯的人是別人,
我可以輕鬆自在的幫她出氣,且我是聽她述說(真相如何我不知),心理不會有任
何壓力想法,那時我不覺得她脾氣差。
結婚後惹怒她的人換成是我的家人、我的小部份親戚(三姑六婆式的無意義話語),
剛開始我也還能維持交往時的方式安慰她。但漸漸的,我發現大部份的事情她並沒
有放下,她只是放回心底,等待下次另件事再次爆發。(她對同事朋友上司不會這樣)。
漸漸的,吵架的事從"A"變成"A+B"變成"A+B+C+...",我可以接受抱怨與溝通,但
每次吵架她並不會就事論事,假若這次她抱怨是新的"E",講到一半,她突然氣到
想到就會再把"A""C"啥的都一起再吵一次,我曾想要制止她翻舊帳的行為,但她
會回"難道過去的事就不能再講嗎?""錯就是錯,難道不能講嗎?"漸漸的,我們吵架
的時間愈來愈長,吵架的重覆性很高,吵架的突發性很高,有時就那幾件事一直吵
來吵去,搬出去後吵的比我們住婆家期間還兇(其實我們並沒和父母住一起,
只是住的地方在公司樓上)。
我覺得不能這樣的吵下去,吵架讓我們的精氣神嚴重耗損,連帶影響到我的
工作生活。
因為惹怒她的是我家人,事實的真相嚴重性我大都能明瞭,也因是我家人犯的"錯"
(是真的錯或者是她誤會的錯,不舉例了),吵久了我心理產生了不滿(無法保持平
常心),我不滿為何我家人要給我製造麻煩,不是我犯錯,為何我要如此受虐般的
為他們擦屁股,我對家人生氣起衝突,並告知我要他們改進配合的地方。
我不滿老婆對事情的雙重標準或擴大化或重覆化,我尊重她的感受,
但不代表她可以把錯的講成對的,把她個人主觀感受放第一,曲解我的意思且不接受
解釋(她聽起來覺得是怎樣就怎樣,但她聽錯啊,我又不能解釋而任她罵,我心裡很
嘔很委屈),腦內補完,質疑我努力保護她的心,質疑我曾為了保護她的努力。
有些事情我確實處理了,但過一段時間竟再遇到,她會說你完全沒做,接著要你
說明"你怎樣和他們說,重覆一次給他聽",我的腦袋不是專門來裝那些告知內容
的,我只能和她說個大意,但她會就你的大意裡挑毛病挑語意,來詢問、刺激、
罵你。她對你的態度沒有在包容的,沒有在"相信"的,她的脾氣不是輕易可以
息怒,她生氣時對人的態度和我是天差地遠,我覺得她這樣對我很扯。
我們吵架的步調完全不同,以前吵到不可開交時我選擇的是離開讓雙方彼此冷靜,
她要的是吵到底,完全不能接受我離開而不理她,每次冷處理回家吵得又更兇,
我說我想要彼此冷靜,她不接受,她覺得我在逃避沒有擔當,但雙方都在氣頭
上該怎麼處理?
她很常說她需要的是安慰,但她表現出來的態度又讓人無法靠近,不像是她所說的
需要安慰,我覺得她需要的是發洩。她會針對你回話時的表情語氣來糾正你
"你的語氣很硬(我是極力想要讓她相信我的話,吵很久又沒進展,我很著急痛苦。)"
"你的眉毛皺起來(她無法分辨我是無奈委屈的表情,會以為你是生氣)"
之類枝微末節的話,和她吵架我真的都被搞的很亂。
我很想要達到她想要的"安慰她",有誰能教導我一下,在無法冷靜等待且氣頭上,
且吵了多年,情緒也被拉扯多年的情況下,壓抑自己的情緒,能好聲好氣的安慰
老婆,我做不到,所以這也是我們吵不停的原因。
縱使有幾次我努力壓抑情緒來安慰或搞笑,但她並不懂得互相,不懂得退一步海闊
天空,並沒有在考慮你的人格與自尊,我覺得我地位很下賤不平等,自作自受。
我並沒有要老婆接受我的解釋,我只想有些誤解的情況能透過我的解釋而稍釋懷,
不然老婆常會覺得大家在針對她(她很敏感在意別人對她的態度眼光想法。)
我不想老婆一直因為往事而痛苦(多年了還是放不下或稍減),我也不想老婆一直
活在別人的眼光裡(她並不去想老公為她所做的努力,不去想老公對她的態度,
,但我才是真正和她生活的人。)
有二句話似乎是證嚴法師講的,我一直想要告訴她,但一直想不到找不到,麻煩
網友告知。第一句似乎是"處理它、放下它、忘記它",第二句類似此意"不放下
,而放心底一直去想,受傷的是自己"。
總結︰我們缺少的是,不會正確的吵架,我不能好好的安慰她,她不能好好的相信
我,我希望夫妻雙方彼此能平等的對待,好好的溝通,不要凡事都用吵的。我是最
支持她,最挺她的人,希望她能了解。
謝謝。
--
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婚姻
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