因為太愛老公不想生小孩 - 婚姻

By Andy
at 2017-03-03T18:13
at 2017-03-03T18:13
Table of Contents
: 是否同意記者抄文:NO
把每篇回文跟推文都看過了
感謝願意同理我的人 很多溫暖的文字
很多推文跟回文都讓我看到流眼淚 心很玻璃 淚點也非常低
也爬了大家說的那篇不愛自己的小孩怎麼辦的文章
覺得自己很像那個小女孩的長大版...
UYC大在那篇的回文中提到小女孩長大以後
可能會因為渴求愛而離不開一個會對他家暴的男人
讓我想到我過去的感情
以前也曾經遇到過類似有暴力傾向的前男友
我又是那種因為太需要愛 不太會自己離開對方的人
當時朋友也都說我以後一定會被家暴但是就一直分不了
還好還沒到真的被揍的地步(會用力的拉扯)
對方就覺得我太黏人太依賴人把我甩了
失戀的時候也很慘一天可以哭十幾個小時
自己也有自覺會這麼缺愛應該是得不到爸媽的愛的影響
所以才不敢輕易生小孩 如果生了又不愛 孩子真的非常的可憐
而我媽則不是不愛小孩 而是非常的愛我弟 甚至像是情人那樣在顧
還記得我小時候曾經對我媽說
弟弟除了多了下面那根到底哪裡比我好?
為什麼媽媽你只愛他不愛我?
當時我媽對我說 他就是比妳多了下面那根啊 妳是不是很忌妒^^
然後我看見我媽看著我弟
在笑
那笑容在我眼中好猙獰啊
我整個人傻了
我的心都死了
那天過後我就放棄我媽了
我不再需要做些什麼去努力得到她的愛了
我好悲傷 我好難過
因為我努力再多都得不到她的愛
這是從一開始就注定了的
但是每年看到母親節媽媽跟小孩溫馨的廣告
我為什麼還是會眼眶泛淚呢...
我這輩子最幸運的事情就只有遇到我先生
我非常的依賴他無法想像沒有他的日子
甚至他出門都會擔心他出意外
每次他出門都要提醒他小心安全
而我在行為上有控制自己不要像以前那麼黏人
但是心理上還是整天心都像隻無尾熊黏在他身上
也許我從沒長大過 也更恐懼自己變成媽媽的這個角色吧
我先生是健全家庭的小孩
個性跟我完全相反 是個正向樂觀的人
其實婚前跟婚後我們都沒討論過要不要生小孩這個問題
只是從平常相處 如果看到路上有小孩在吵
我先生會在那裏說如果是他的小孩他會怎麼教
有朋友生小孩了 我先生也有說感覺餵母奶小孩比較健康
以後也要讓小孩喝母奶
所以我是從言談中感覺他的人生規劃是有小孩的
唯一直接的對話只有有次睡覺前我跟他說
如果以後我當了媽媽不愛女兒怎麼辦
他一臉疑惑的看著我說 應該不會不愛吧?
如果真的不愛...沒關係有爸爸愛她就夠了吧
其實我那陣子有點被這句話迷惑覺得好像還是可以生
不過現在想想 還是不行啊
孩子還是需要媽媽的愛的
只有爸爸的愛 還是不夠的啊...
我知道我不能讓自己的悲劇在另一個生命上繼續重演
所以會等我心理的陰霾真的能調適好再好好考慮的
另外我也覺得諮商比看精神科有用多了
只是真的是漫漫長路哪
但願心靈有傷的孩子能越來越少
能別一再背負上一代的痛苦複製著悲傷的人生...
也謝謝所有回信跟我分享自己人生的人
你們都好勇敢 我也在學習變勇敢...只是要比一般人花費更多的力氣吧。
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Tags:
婚姻
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