很心痛 也很痛恨自己 - 家務

By Mason
at 2009-07-07T13:33
at 2009-07-07T13:33
Table of Contents
最近我也跟上失業的潮流... 大概四個多月了
家裡對我的態度也越來越差
甚至開始找我翻舊帳 因為現階段我在他們眼中 根本是沒用的人@@..
最近我媽說話開始會酸我 我弟也跟著附和
心情真是差到極點!
而我也有錯 我也痛恨自己 一開始總是信誓旦旦 後來卻又讓父母失望
舊帳1. 大一跟父母說想要學電腦繪圖設計的課程
那時候家境還不錯 他們也贊成讓我去學 所以替我繳了兩萬多塊的學費
但後來大學課業開始變多 所以沒辦法把電腦課程全部上到滿
他們知道我有時沒去 而我就跟他們照實講
他們說:〔妳根本是在找藉口 為什麼當初沒好好想清楚?〕
我很無言...因為 我沒想到大學課業會有那麼多的時候
我承認當時是我欠缺考慮 可是一切都來不及了
所以繳了那麼多學費 換來的卻是半調子的學習 我超後悔 現在也是
舊帳2. 大四決定要考研究所 但是那時家境沒那麼ok
當時我爸每兩三天就問我:〔沒考上怎麼辦?〕
我有告訴他 沒考上就全心找工作!
但不知道為什麼 他總是很擔心 所以幾乎每天都要我有落榜的準備
我不管那麼多 自己邊打工邊補習
結果......後來還是沒考上..
那陣子我也有苦讀 這樣的結果 我也很難過
但是家人非但沒安慰我 還說:〔妳看妳又來了,根本在浪費時間!〕
我爸媽罵我的時候 我弟也在旁邊附和..orz..
我不生氣 我只是很討厭自己為什麼沒辦法作到 我超後悔 現在也是
新帳: 今年三月落榜之後
因為原本打工的地方財務出了狀況 所以趕快離職以免受遭殃
後來找到一份 〔表面上是如此,實質上非如此〕 的工作
被騙進去要賣保險 試用期兩個月 我也撐了兩個月 領了薪水就走
所以現在還在待業中
最近開始找書 決定拼年底的國考
這個決定是對我自己的承諾 不管再難我也要考上
可是家人一直對我很沒信心 甚至對我的態度越來越差
在我弟面前說:〔你千萬不要像妳姐一樣什麼事都做不好!〕
這種話我假裝沒聽到 可是剎那間我真的有泛淚水 後來趕快躲到房間 XD
我爸前幾天還跟我說:〔公務員的薪水比較穩定妳可以考慮看看...〕
我就跟他說 我正在準備了 年底要考
誰知他後來補了一句:
〔妳考得上嗎?妳之前舊帳1和舊帳2...@#$$^&&^&...〕
我真的受不了 每次都直接想到我失敗的結果
後來我跟我爸吵起來
我就直接說一句很重的話:〔反正你和媽都覺得我是爛人都做不到就對了?〕
結果.....當然是被我爸教訓一頓 還叫我馬上出去...
於是我用行動給他們看 這幾天都躲在房間看書
不然就躲去圖書館 騙他們說是應徵工作
他們知道我工作都沒著落 所以~ 一直抱怨我怎麼不長進之類的
然後又拿我跟我表姐表哥比較!
他們學歷只有高中 可是現在都在工作 表姐六月底才辭職 現在又找到工作了
我家人都覺得是我太沒用....>"<
所以現在我爸媽又叫我隨便找份工作就好 國考就算了
可是我書都買了 進度也排好了 已經下定決心不想再改變
要應付這種精神上的爭戰 比生理上還累!
然後剛剛我們家在聊輪迴的議題 說父母生下子女是因為上輩子欠的..等等
然後我弟就跟我媽說:〔妳和爸上輩子可能是欠姊姊太多了吧...〕
我媽看了我一下 可是是用那種很失望+不屑的眼神看我!!
然後我弟就自顧自的吃東西....(有沒有那麼拷貝啊我弟... X!白目!)
我已經盡力要讓自己更好 但總覺得 他們不斷用負面的情緒來斷定我的未來...
真的已經不想待在這個家 感覺不受關愛 而且現在他們對我和我弟的態度差很多
淚水已經流很多不想再流了 我也不想再奢望他們給我什麼機會
自己也有錯 我也很痛苦啊.... 但我不想一直活在過去的失敗裡面
來這邊只是要宣洩一下 來奢求一些拍拍 我會很感激的
邊打邊泛淚 因為我真的好難過....T_T
當然希望年底的國考 不要再讓自己有後悔的餘地了!加油啊自己!!~>"<~
--
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