太太說我是一個好爸爸,但不是一個好老公 - 婚姻
By Damian
at 2022-06-25T06:58
at 2022-06-25T06:58
Table of Contents
兄弟,辛苦了
看你描述的內容,在對家庭的貢獻上
沒有做到一百分,也有九十分了
難能可貴的是,你們夫妻倆都認可雙方對家庭的付出
彼此都覺得以「父母」的角色而言,對方是神隊友
這一點真的要給你們拍拍手
你問:太太說你是好爸爸,但不是好老公,要怎麼做才能成為好老公
這個題目很大,大到跟大海撈針一樣大
為什麼呢?因為「好老公」只有三個字
但是要講起好老公的定義卻可以打三萬個字
主要是每個人內心對「什麼樣的老公算好老公」的標準和期待都不同
有人覺得老公有給足夠的錢就算
有人認為除了負擔經濟還要幫忙家務育兒
也有人要求不只生活上的合拍還要心靈上的契合
更不要說這些標準和期待要展開來說樣樣充滿細節
所以要回答這個問題,很難!
但我多少可以理解你老婆說這句話的邏輯
所以回文給你提供一個思路,讓你可以從板友的建議中提取出可能適用的部份
我先生和你相反
在我看來,他是一個好丈夫,但不是一個好爸爸
但這不是指他是一個不好的爸爸
不符合我們好的定義,不意味是糟糕的。
而是他的表現與我們的標準或期待不符。
和其他人相比有可取之處,但還不足以滿足我們的標準
舉例說明:
他對我的要求很低,但對兒子的期待很高
他戴著玫瑰色濾鏡看我,但用放大鏡看我兒子
他會看見我的價值,但很難看見孩子值得被鼓勵的部份
他尊重我的個人意志,但無法把孩子當成獨立個體看待,而是自身的延伸
他對兒子不好嗎?沒有
相比其他父親,他也有可圈可點之處
但是對我和兒子來說很明顯的可以感覺到這種待遇的差別
我難過的時候他會對我溫柔小意
但兒子難過的時候,他會因為自身的投射忽略兒子的感受,傾向於講道理而不是同理他的
情緒
我們也曾因此爭吵過
因為我希望他能像對待我那樣去對待兒子
不是高高在上的指導位,是平等同理的位置
但他做不到,因為在他的觀念中,父子天生就是上對下的階級關係
這就是「角色定位」的差別
我們怎麼定位自己和別人的角色,決定我們怎麼看待和對待別人
兄弟,這樣你明白了嗎?
如果不明白我再講清楚一點
當你們用「孩子的爸」「孩子的媽」彼此定位的時候,沒有問題,一切都很好
因為你們表現的比對方期待的還要好
(可以被肯定勝任角色通常表示你給的超過他預期的,有賺到的感覺)
但是當定位改變的時候,標準也會隨之改變
對你來說,「孩子的媽」跟「我的老婆」是一體的,因為你依然維持在「孩子的爸」這個
自我定位中
但你老婆恐怕更希望你把自己定位成他的老公,而非孩子的爸
就像我希望我先生將自己定位成兒子的支持者而非指導者一樣
有一個點可能是關鍵
當孩子漸漸長大,不再像小時候那麼需要和依賴照顧者的時候,照顧者會有失落感
這時候會有兩種選擇
一是無法處理這種失落,不願意放手讓孩子脫離對自己的依賴
二是擺脫原本的自我定位,開始覺醒新的角色定位
你老婆不再把自己和孩子視為一體了
所以你為家庭所做的奉獻無法被她視同為對她個人的奉獻
她需要的或許很簡單
或許只是做為一個妻子或一個女人被看見
被看見的方式是「她是個什麼樣的人」「她想要什麼」「她不要什麼」
而不是被「媽媽」這個角色覆蓋了
------------------------下面是閒話
......呼,好不容易打完了
不同意的人手下留情別急著開噓
有話我們好好講
我都可以解釋的
--
看你描述的內容,在對家庭的貢獻上
沒有做到一百分,也有九十分了
難能可貴的是,你們夫妻倆都認可雙方對家庭的付出
彼此都覺得以「父母」的角色而言,對方是神隊友
這一點真的要給你們拍拍手
你問:太太說你是好爸爸,但不是好老公,要怎麼做才能成為好老公
這個題目很大,大到跟大海撈針一樣大
為什麼呢?因為「好老公」只有三個字
但是要講起好老公的定義卻可以打三萬個字
主要是每個人內心對「什麼樣的老公算好老公」的標準和期待都不同
有人覺得老公有給足夠的錢就算
有人認為除了負擔經濟還要幫忙家務育兒
也有人要求不只生活上的合拍還要心靈上的契合
更不要說這些標準和期待要展開來說樣樣充滿細節
所以要回答這個問題,很難!
但我多少可以理解你老婆說這句話的邏輯
所以回文給你提供一個思路,讓你可以從板友的建議中提取出可能適用的部份
我先生和你相反
在我看來,他是一個好丈夫,但不是一個好爸爸
但這不是指他是一個不好的爸爸
不符合我們好的定義,不意味是糟糕的。
而是他的表現與我們的標準或期待不符。
和其他人相比有可取之處,但還不足以滿足我們的標準
舉例說明:
他對我的要求很低,但對兒子的期待很高
他戴著玫瑰色濾鏡看我,但用放大鏡看我兒子
他會看見我的價值,但很難看見孩子值得被鼓勵的部份
他尊重我的個人意志,但無法把孩子當成獨立個體看待,而是自身的延伸
他對兒子不好嗎?沒有
相比其他父親,他也有可圈可點之處
但是對我和兒子來說很明顯的可以感覺到這種待遇的差別
我難過的時候他會對我溫柔小意
但兒子難過的時候,他會因為自身的投射忽略兒子的感受,傾向於講道理而不是同理他的
情緒
我們也曾因此爭吵過
因為我希望他能像對待我那樣去對待兒子
不是高高在上的指導位,是平等同理的位置
但他做不到,因為在他的觀念中,父子天生就是上對下的階級關係
這就是「角色定位」的差別
我們怎麼定位自己和別人的角色,決定我們怎麼看待和對待別人
兄弟,這樣你明白了嗎?
如果不明白我再講清楚一點
當你們用「孩子的爸」「孩子的媽」彼此定位的時候,沒有問題,一切都很好
因為你們表現的比對方期待的還要好
(可以被肯定勝任角色通常表示你給的超過他預期的,有賺到的感覺)
但是當定位改變的時候,標準也會隨之改變
對你來說,「孩子的媽」跟「我的老婆」是一體的,因為你依然維持在「孩子的爸」這個
自我定位中
但你老婆恐怕更希望你把自己定位成他的老公,而非孩子的爸
就像我希望我先生將自己定位成兒子的支持者而非指導者一樣
有一個點可能是關鍵
當孩子漸漸長大,不再像小時候那麼需要和依賴照顧者的時候,照顧者會有失落感
這時候會有兩種選擇
一是無法處理這種失落,不願意放手讓孩子脫離對自己的依賴
二是擺脫原本的自我定位,開始覺醒新的角色定位
你老婆不再把自己和孩子視為一體了
所以你為家庭所做的奉獻無法被她視同為對她個人的奉獻
她需要的或許很簡單
或許只是做為一個妻子或一個女人被看見
被看見的方式是「她是個什麼樣的人」「她想要什麼」「她不要什麼」
而不是被「媽媽」這個角色覆蓋了
------------------------下面是閒話
......呼,好不容易打完了
不同意的人手下留情別急著開噓
有話我們好好講
我都可以解釋的
--
Tags:
婚姻
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