只是 我能再等8年 開始做我自己嗎? - 婚姻

By Harry
at 2021-07-12T02:24
at 2021-07-12T02:24
Table of Contents
是否同意記者抄文:NO
有時回想 曾經山盟海誓的誓約 卻禁不起柴米油鹽的耗弱
曾經一起努力過 要幸福地走下去... 曾經
我們對貧賤的定義不同 自然 我的滿足點就未必達到對方要的幸福
1+1 是三個家庭
和大部分來版上抱怨不同的是
我不認同自己的原生家庭 對親家卻是充滿感激甚於親生
如今 自己建立的小家庭 卻要面臨從沒想過的拉扯 可能無法延續
每天都在煎熬中度過一天又一天
婚前&婚後
我時時警覺 要好好保護自己建立的家
因為我知道 自己的父母不會把女婿或媳婦當作自家人看待
比我早婚的妹妹與哥哥也已驗證
慶幸自己工作關係 天高皇帝遠 頂多重要年節回老家一趟
不用讓老婆每天被盯著檢視
我該做的保護都做了 就算偶爾聽到一些閒言
她知道我會護著她也就釋懷了
我擋得了外在的刀槍 卻撐不住家庭需求內耗
最近繳了所得稅 附上1位小孩的扶養 還要繳2萬6千多...
每回吵架 都是因為掏不出錢付某筆家庭開銷
吵開了 就互相抱怨對方的種種不是
我抱怨她 花錢很海 家事不願分擔
她抱怨我 書念得多 卻爭取不到好的報酬
我們都不否認對方的指責
這次 卻沒要和解的跡象
我以為 就跟以前一樣 不管認不認同 只要道歉抱一抱就沒事
大家就繼續生活
這次不然
似乎是踩到她不能原諒的點
試著解釋 也聽不進去
卑躬屈膝久了 自然也耐不住性子反擊
小孩大了 也沒辦法再騙他 大人只是大聲點在討論事情...(可笑)
那晚 我買了鹹水雞回家吃 (冷戰中 我沒料到她會湊過來吃)
她吃一口 厭惡地說 "你不知道我不吃蒜嗎!?"
莫名被罵便回她 "妳不吃就不要吃 我是買給我自己吃的"
現在回想 在一陣很幼稚的對嗆中 小孩邊吃邊哭 我很自責
隔幾天 我又買了鹹水雞
兒子看著我手上提的 緊張地湊過來詢問 "你有加蒜嗎?"
這次 我沒加蒜
小孩天真地拍了拍胸膛 表示放心
我們都愛這孩子 都不願意他受傷害
但我們的確正在傷害他
只是 我們尚未找到能有轉圜的共通道路繼續走
這場冷戰已超過半年
起初 她不跟我說話
開始會自己洗衣服 自己買飯回家吃 自己搭車上班
可日子一久 又開始LINE我 幫她買她要的物品
看似又要回復以前的生活 心想這場戰爭即將結束
然後開始如往常
下了班 接小孩 做晚餐 教功課 倒垃圾 洗衣服
然後一切完畢 開始回書房做自己的事
岳母知道我們先前鬧得不愉快 特地在我上班時打電話來關心
我還開心地跟老人家說
"她現在肯跟我說話了! 也有要我幫她買東西 媽您不用擔心啦!"
結果
我以為的 就只是以為罷了
冷戰初期 叫兒子跟她睡 我很識相地睡到兒子房間
有次 兒子跑回自己房間睡著 我趁機回到我的床
期待著距離拉近 可以傾聽到彼此仍有愛的信息
一個翻身碰觸 嚇醒了她 也敲醒我的綺夢
那一嚇 我很受傷 好似我做了逾矩的事
半年來 幾乎毫無交流的生活
假日成天躺在床上
餓了 就叫兒子來傳話 要我準備餐點
我知道她的脾氣 也只有一邊退讓 才不會引來更多損傷
該做的家務 我繼續做著 繼續忍著
可是
慢慢發現她
居家服開始會搭著內衣避免曝光
也不會在我洗澡時 衝進來上廁所
這婚姻似乎開始變調了
怎麼辦?
只要我不再埋怨 為什麼甚麼事都我在做? 好像就會一直這樣下去
只要我不再計較 為什麼小孩都是我在顧? 好像就會一直這樣下去
只要我不再唸她 為什麼把這個家當飯店? 好像就會一直這樣下去
好像就會一直這樣下去... 是我要的嗎?
三級警戒之前 我們一起參加她嫂子生日聚餐
餐後離開時 兒子左手拉著爸爸 右手拉著媽媽
很用力想拉進我們的距離 旁人看似小孩調皮在玩鬧
但我知道他所要努力表達的是甚麼
有次跟兒子聊天
他指著牆壁三人合照說 "我最喜歡這張照片"
但媽媽不愛拍照 他能看到的"全家福"沒幾張
似乎也在暗示著內心一些些心事
每每想起 心頭就酸一下
"我這輩子都在為別人活 等小孩18歲 妳愛怎麼花隨妳便 我也準備做我自己"
這是踩到的其中一點
只是 我能再等8年 開始做我自己嗎?
--
--
Tags:
婚姻
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